"It should be a stone in your shoe."

On Monday in our Field Study Seminar (FSS) course, we discussed a speech by Ivan Illich entitled, "To Hell With Good Intentions" which he gave to a group of students prior to their summer mission trip to Mexico. In this speech, he argues that one should not go to another underdeveloped country with the belief one can improve the lives of the people living there because really, what can one do in a week, month, or semester? All it can do is create confusion and unsustainable change, that we are, "ultimately, consciously or unconsciously - ´salesmen´for a delusive ballet in the ideas of democracy, equal opportunity, and free enterprise among people who haven´t the possibility of profiting from these." Instead, he says, "I am here to entreat you to use your money, your status and your education to travel in Latin America. Come to look, come to climb our mountains, to enjoy our flowers. Come to study. But do not come to help."

Aynn says to think of this as a "stone in your shoe," something that should bother us for the duration of this program and into the future. What are we really doing here? How should we, or should we interact with the people? I think there are certain things we can do, but would this be seen as interference?

I feel like my experience in the campo is a great example of this - I felt like they didn´t learn from me, and I didn´t learn much from them. I learned from myself, about my limitations. I have had a few of these sorts of experiences here in Nicaragua, something we call cultural incidents, or "green bananas" that are a sort of "clash" (a strong word, but the only one to describe it) between our two cultures. My green banana occurred two days before we left for the campo, and after learning about Illich´s theory, I feel that much more uncomfortable.

Two days before our campo excursion, I came home to find a new 19 year old girl named Scarlet in our house who would be living with us to do the housework once my aunt left. She seemed timid and uncomfortable, so I decided to talk to her while helping with the dishes after dinner but when I went to my room to work once we had finished she followed me and sat on my bed, ready to talk some more. I decided to put my homework aside, not only because I am a professional procrastinator, but also because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Right away, she began to tell me that before she was with us, she worked in a restaurant and had a very attractive boss in his mid to late 20´s. She said that this was "the first man she ever wanted," and ended up inviting him over to her house where things happened. She said she was in love with him, but unfortunately found out that he had a wife and a daughter and therefore could not be with him. She was devastated, and at that moment, broke down crying. All I could think to do in this moment was hug her as she wept. Once she calmed down, she told me she had come here to get away but she can´t do so because she loves him so much and he keeps calling her. I felt a bit cornered and ended up giving her the cliché advice that is always impossible to take: "You need to forget him, ignore his calls, and meet new people, for your own health and well being." I then suggested that she come with me the next day to meet the girls that work at our study center so she could make friends in Máximo and she agreed. The next morning, when I asked her to come with me again she said no, so assuming that she was busy, I thought maybe I would take her that evening after class. When I returned home at six that night, she wasn´t in the house. I asked my mom and aunt where she was and they replied, "She left. This morning, we gave her 100 córdobas to go to the store to buy chicken for dinner and she never came back." And it was true, she never came back.

I was and I still am filled with so many emotions about this incident. How desperate must you be to run off with 100 cords which isn´t even worth five dollars in the US? How do I feel about the conversation I had with her the night before? Did she deserve my care, sympathy, friendship? As they say here in Nicaragua, ¿Vale la pena?...Is it worth the trouble?

I may never know the answer to the first because of my place in this global society. But was it worth the trouble, the sympathy, the time? Yes. Yes, I feel uncomfortable knowing what she did to my family, but that doesn´t mean she doesn´t deserve the care of others. Yes, I did have to stay up late to finish my work which made the next day harder, but she needed it. It may hurt, but I don´t regret anything I did because everyone, regardless of who they are, needs companionship, someone to talk to, and Scarlet probably needed it even more than most of us. But as an US citizen, as an outsider, should I have done this? Is this the interference I should be trying to avoid?

This will continue to be a stone in my shoe.


Thank you to everyone for reading this. Some general notes on my next few weeks...tomorrow, a group of us will be heading to Granada for the weekend which should be a good break, and on Tuesday we all head out to the Caribbean coast for the week. I am looking forward to seeing the differences between all of these places, and hopefully will have more time to reflect on the latest "piedras en mi zapato".

Missing you all...

Love,
Nicole