"Never trust a fart."

This wise advice was given to me over the phone last night by my sister´s dear boyfriend, Nathan. Though he said this is advice he had received from his parents about aging, we both agreed this was true in my current situation as well.

Nathan, this post is dedicated to you. It is now time to complete your end of the deal. :)

This post is inspired by the current intestinal problem I am having as a result of eating Nicaraguan fast food with my ISP advisor in Chinandega...so if you already think fast food is nasty, don´t even try to imagine it down here. Anyway, I went to the doctor today, had a lab test done, and hilariously enough, my results are online at the hospital´s website. I mean really, who puts more information than you would ever want to know about your poo on the internet? The Hospital Metropolitano Vivian Pellas does.

I decided that in light of these recent events, this post should just be a list of the absurd conversations I have been having lately, because I have found that in many of the situations here in Nicaragua, you just have to sit back and laugh and the ridiculousness of it all.

1) Meeting people is always great here, especially if you actually meet them and don´t just receive a cat call or get followed by sloppy kissing noises as you walk down the street. However, every time I meet a new person, I have the following conversation, and I literally mean EVERY time, in the exact same way:

Person: What´s your name?
Me: Nicole.
Person: Like Nicole Kidman?
Me: Umm...no, but I guess my last name does start with the same letter.
Person: How old are you?
Me: 20.
Person: Wow, but you are so little! Are you married?
Me: No.
Person: Do you have any kids?
Me: No.
Person: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: No.
Person: (now sounding worried) Have you ever had a boyfriend?

*The thing that really interests me about this conversation: why does everyone ask if I have kids after I say that I am not married? That is Nicaragua for you.


2) The next happened a few nights ago with my mamá and her friend, Carolina. I showed them my new "Sex Life with Responsibility" bracelet, and said it reminded me of abstinence rings. They had no clue what these were, so this is the conversation that followed:

Me: Well, people vow to be abstinent until marriage, because the Bible says that sex is a form of marriage.
Mamá: But what happens if you marry them and you find out that they are small?
Me: Well...doesn´t love conquer all?
Carolina: Love doesn´t conquer everything.
(a few moments of awkward silence)
Carolina: (something in really fast incoherent Spanish)
Mamá: No you ask her.
(more awkward silence)
Mamá: Nicole, have you had sex before?

*On the bright side (is there a bright side?), at least they are comfortable enough to ask, right?


3) I had just arrived in Chinandega, and I was telling Patricia, my advisor, about the people who had come up to me to ask for money in León because I am white...

Me: It just annoys me because they assume that because I am a gringo, I am obviously rich.
Patricia: Well, I am sure that´s what the boys say about you...rich, like a caramello...

*She is a psychologist at a sexual health organization, so I guess I´m going to have to let that one go...


4) Later that day, at the fast food restaurant where I received my current problem, I had to explain to Patricia why I don´t eat pork, but she didn´t really understand the concept of a Jew. The conversation continued, and somehow we got onto the topic of boys and marriage in my religious tradition:

Patricia: So, could you marry a Nicaraguan?
Me: Well, I don´t think so.
Patricia: So Jews are racists.

*That took a little clearing up, and I still wonder if she believes me.


5) Finally, when I returned from Chinandega, the intense intestinal cramps had already begun. I was sitting in the office, doubled over in pain, when the 19 year old boy-next-door, Luis walked in.

Luis: Gringita, what´s wrong?
Me: My stomach hurts really bad...I think I have a bug.
Luis: (whispering while looking at me with knowing eyes) Are you sure it´s not your period?

*This could have been insanely awkward, but (un)fortunately for me, menstruation will always be a regular topic of conversation.


Thanks for reading everyone, I hope these were as amusing for you as they were for me. I have gotten to the point here where awkwardness just doesn´t exist, so I apologize if any of this was too much for any of you. Just be glad I didn´t give you the website for this morning´s test results...

Love,
Nicole